Chasing Freedom

 I've had schizoaffective disorder for the majority of my life. When it first struck at 12 years old, I had attempted suicide. I was hospitalized in an adolescent treatment center for a month. That was my first of many hospitalizations. I don't remember if they put me on medication at that time. I do know the schizoaffective got worse. I'd end up having bouts where I wasn't grounded in reality. I was thinking unusual things like I could mentally communicate with moths or I could read the minds of dogs and I had a strong connection with them (I thought). I'd often have religious delusions, thinking I was Jesus or John the Baptist. Later in my life while in a psychosis I believed I was Madonna and I'd sing (very loudly) Madonna songs while on public transportation and even in a cop car with a spotlight shining on me. Sounds hard to believe but I couldn't make this stuff up. Mental illness can make you do strange and unusual things. My last psychosis was (thank...

  About two and a half years ago I was going to meet an old friend of mine, Caroline, for breakfast after not seeing her in over 30 years. Caroline had trained me at an animal hospital I was working as a veterinary assistant. We had a great time working together, she was an amazing trainer, and we developed a close bond working together so closely day after day. Eventually, we started doing things outside of work. We went to a couple of different zoos together and a very scary haunted house. Sometimes we’d drink together. I would always drink too much; I didn’t have a shut-off valve. I drank til I couldn’t stand. When at breakfast Caroline and I reminisced about all these things and I proudly yet a little shyly told her I don’t drink anymore. I told her I had quit, and I was happier without it. She said she doesn’t drink much maybe 1 beer a couple times a year. I said I wish I could have 1 beer a couple times a year, but once I get started, I can’t stop! Our conversation flowed smo...

 If someone were to ask me what it’s like to have schizoaffective disorder it would be difficult to explain as I have nothing to compare it to. I’ve had schizoaffective   since I was 12 years old (I’m 50 now), I don’t really know what it’s like NOT to have schizoaffective . At one of my darkest points with schizoaffective, I held a loaded gun in my mouth for a good hour arguing internally with a very upset, confused, out of control, depressed, me. At one of my high points, while in the manic phase of schizoaffective, I roller skated around my high school wearing a cut up British flag muscle shirt and long underwear believing I was Nancy Kerrigan . I was flying high and on top of the world, nothing could stop me or bring me down, except the next depression. When manic I’ve had my thoughts come so unbelievably fast, I couldn’t get the words out, the words that came out were a jumbled mess and made no sense. It was frightening for me and the person I was talking with. Sometimes...

I had been a drinker for many years and towards the end of my drinking (during Covid) it had gotten really bad, I had been drinking daily, often starting first thing in the morning. I was severely depressed when I wasn’t drinking as well as feeling dead inside. I didn’t care about anything but that drink. The depression was so severe and the paranoia high. I have schizoaffective disorder and drinking did nothing to help the condition, that’s for sure. I would often be suicidal. When I wasn’t drinking which wasn’t often, I would lay around and cry. I was a real mess. My life wasn’t a life at all. It was simply an existence and not a good one. Once I stopped alcohol my hope slowly began to return. I had no hope or joy when drinking. I was a zombie who didn’t care about herself or anyone else just her beer. It makes me so sad to think about how I once was but it is a good reminder, so I don’t go back to that terrible way of life. Since stopping alcohol, the schizoaffective has definitely ...

For those of you who have followed me for any length of time, you may know I stopped drinking alcohol nearly 3 years ago. On a day-to-day basis (now) I rarely think about alcohol. It took some time to get to that place in my AF journey but if you’re thinking about not drinking you do get to a point, you’re not thinking about it constantly. When I see alcohol on the news or in commercials, I change the channel. If I see an ad for it in the paper, I put blinders on and don’t look at it or turn the page….. except for today. Today when I was looking at grocery store ads I looked at the forbidden (to me) section of the paper that shows all the pretty and colorful alcohol bottles that are for sale. There was Patron, Captain Morgan, and something called “Cupcake” that looked like it may be some kind of wine, never heard of this one before, does it taste like cupcakes? Eat a cupcake lol. Some others as well but I don’t recall their names. So, I was looking at these bottles of liquor and my min...