The Horrors of Mental Illness

 I've had schizoaffective disorder for the majority of my life. When it first struck at 12 years old, I had attempted suicide. I was hospitalized in an adolescent treatment center for a month. That was my first of many hospitalizations.

I don't remember if they put me on medication at that time. I do know the schizoaffective got worse. I'd end up having bouts where I wasn't grounded in reality. I was thinking unusual things like I could mentally communicate with moths or I could read the minds of dogs and I had a strong connection with them (I thought).

I'd often have religious delusions, thinking I was Jesus or John the Baptist. Later in my life while in a psychosis I believed I was Madonna and I'd sing (very loudly) Madonna songs while on public transportation and even in a cop car with a spotlight shining on me. Sounds hard to believe but I couldn't make this stuff up. Mental illness can make you do strange and unusual things.

My last psychosis was (thankfully) 18 years ago. At that time I was so sick and was in a psychosis for a full year straight. I ended up becoming separated from my husband and youngest daughter at that time. I was in and out of hospitals, in jail, and homeless.

I also stayed in a really shady neighborhood as part of a mental health program during that year-long psychosis. Some of the people from that neighborhood really harassed me and scared me. One of many scary instances was when I got out of the shower and this man from the neighborhood had got in the bathroom (the locks at this place were terrible) and tried injecting me with something with a hypodermic needle. I don't know what was in the needle when I saw him I flipped the f$*k out and started yelling and screaming running out of the bathroom. His wife was there in the kitchen I yelled at her and at him and told them to get the FU** OUT I was hysterical being as loud as I could be and thankfully they did leave. I did not like that couple at all, they were really bad people but I couldn't get them to leave me alone and I didn't have a phone, a car, nothing. I barely had any clothes or food and when a counselor gave me some gorgeous handmade dresses they were stolen from me. 

Another night when I came back to my little house at the facility there was a man with a shotgun sitting on my couch in the living room and there were 2 people in the kitchen doing something with drugs. Once again I began flipping out telling them to get out of my house I even told the guy what are you going to do, do you want to shoot me, then shoot me but it's not right for you to be doing this in MY house. Mind you I wasn't in my right mind, I just wanted to be left alone in MY space.

God and his angels must have been watching out for me because after me flipping out for a while they ended up leaving and thank God he didn't take me up on the shooting part.

I realized these people were prostituting and in my messed up mind I thought they would kill me if I didn't prostitute for them. So I went out where they prostituted but it "seemed" like no one was there and I yelled incredibly loud, "I'LL DO IT, I'LL HOOK FOR YOU!!!!"  This guy came out came up to me and said, "Shh, shh. Come back tonight." (Something like that I don't remember exactly what he said.

I did. I went out there and this girl came up to me and took me to this tiny house. There were 3 guys in the house. One guy said he wanted to have sex with me for money. I argued back and forth with the guy and he said well if you don't want to do it then leave. 

I didn't leave. We went in the bathroom and he fu**ed me. That was the first time I ever sold myself for money.

I hold a ton of guilt and shame for that night. Definitely not one of my proudest moments.

There's more that went on while staying in that neighborhood and during my year-long psychosis, but I'm going to stop there for now. I'm hoping by sharing this some of the shame will disappear. I don't want to hide and cower I want others who struggle with mental health issues and some of the things I wrote about know they're not alone.

I do believe Jesus has forgiven me for some of the awful things I've done but I have a hard time forgiving myself. I want to forgive myself.