Chasing Freedom

I used to fear the teenage years with my daughter. I had no idea what to expect or what I was in for, especially since I was quite a handful as a teenager. I was concerned about drugs, boys, sneaking out, or even sneaking out to do drugs with boys. My worries were endless. While I still have my concerns, raising my teenage daughter has been a true blessing. I’ve watched her go from being  a wkward and unsure of herself to a young girl brimming with confidence and tenacity. She is so carefree and joyful and that joyfulness spills onto others, you can’t help but be happy when around her. My daughter isn’t afraid to speak her mind and I love this about her, you never wonder where you stand with her, she’ll come right out and tell you with no fear or shame. She works her tail off in school, her job, and choir — I know some adults who could learn a thing or two from her strong work ethic. What I love most about my daughter is that she loves with her whole heart and gives this love freel...

The tears fall down my face dripping on my leather and lace Why do I do this, why can’t I control these urges that come and take my soul My desire is strong and my will is weak It is true love that I ultimately seek I will never find it with a faceless stranger in the dark of night or heat of danger Shame and guilt consume me this wasn’t who I was meant to be Yet I continue down this broken road becoming weak from this heavy load Maybe one day I’ll break free then   I can finally love me.

Homelessness in the U.S. is on the rise, there are approximately 554,000 people who are experiencing homelessness in America today. What is even more disheartening is that approximately 140,000 of those individuals have a serious mental illness such as schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, manic depression, or chronic depression. One of the reasons for this increase is a decrease in hospital beds in psychiatric hospitals.  Many psychiatric hospitals release patients before they are well enough to leave offering little or no after care, limited support, and no follow up  . These individuals often have no place to go so they take to the streets living in shelters, parks, or under bridges. Wandering the street all day in the scorching heat of summer and the frigid cold of winter. Some of these individuals die on the streets. My friend Don is a homeless man with a mental illness living in Arizona, just last week he suffered from a heat stroke, the paramedics came out to treat h...

Not sure how far the van drove, wasn’t sure of anything at this point but when we reached our destin a tion and got out of the van we were in what looked like an airport garage, dimly lit and concrete all around us. The police walked us into a building where there were lots of chairs and guards sitting at desks and patrolling the room. I sat in one of those chairs until an officer who worked there called me up to the desk, she began asking me questions one of the questions she asked me was if I had a mental illness. I didn’t know how to answer that, I was confused and I thought if I answered I did bad things would happen to me, so I lied and said no. After finishing answering her questions they wanted me to go into a cell and pee in a cup in front of an officer. I was mortified and still so scared, I thought they were trying to trap me. I refused, so they locked me in the cell until I would give the urine sample. They told me I would stay there until I did. I eventually succumbed, as h...

It was a blistering hot summer day in Phoenix, Arizona. I went to the gas station to get a large dri n k and some cigarillos, I was on top of the world. My thoughts were coming fast and I was bubbling with joy. I had a little cash on me, and my pug, Wyatt. When I came out of the store a man approached me asking if I could help him out, he had just gotten released from jail and had no money, nothing, just the clothes on his back. I gave him $50 and I offered to give him a ride to wherever he needed to go. I found out his name was Raven and he asked if I could take him to a park in Central Phoenix to meet his cousins. We headed toward the park he needed to go to- me, Raven, and Wyatt my pug. As we were driving I believed my ex-boyfriend was telepathically communicating with me and he was giving me directions to his house. I spotted a quaint house in an older suburban community and I knew this was where Mark was. I pulled up, rang the doorbell. No answer. I rang again. Still no answer. Th...

June 23rd, 2020 was the last day I drank alcohol. I had been attempting to quit months before that d a y but it wasn’t til that day that everything fell into place. I decided I had way to much to lose if I didn’t quit. My then 16 year old daughter came to me and my husband letting us know that if we didn’t quit she would move out and move in with other family members. I knew it was serious and I had to change. That was the final push I needed to decide I would do whatever it took to not drink alcohol. Up until that day I would go a week, 10 days, even made it 23 days once. I wasn’t fully committed though. This time I made quitting my number one priority. I had joined an online community where there goal is to be sober too and I held myself accountable to myself and this community. I reached out when it got hard. I learned so much about addiction through books, videos, and podcasts. I wrote out my reasons for quitting as well as making some videos to remind me how tough it is in the ear...

Distant eyes Lips that lie Tell me why you want to die? You can’t run You can’t hide Don’t you know, I’m on your side? You kiss me lightly I’m oh so slightly Beginning to feel This could be real You kiss me harder I sink farther into the arms of the man I used to love

It’s 5 am, your alarm blares, you sleepily open your eyes, you slowly go to a sitting position, one  f oot on the ground, 2 foot. You stand up and ever so slowly make your way to the kitchen to prepare yourself a much needed cup o’ joe. You’re so tired and your mood is low, you don’t know how you’ll make it through the day. You impatiently wait, then finally beep, beep, beep, coffee’s done. Pouring that sweet drink of the god’s and smelling that delicious aroma is already awakening your senses. You put some creamer and sweetener in, your favorite flavor-hazelnut, slowly bring to your lips and take that first sweet sip…. Aaaaahhhh. You feel relief, and as you continue drinking that blessed Colombian brew, you begin to feel your senses come alive, your heart beats a little faster, you move a bit more confidently, and joy fills your soul. You can now start your day. How does something as simple as a cup of coffee give such obvious pleasure to our senses? Moderate coffee consumption in...

Am very hurt and angry right now. I go to a mental health clinic every 2 weeks for an injection that keeps my schizoaffective under control. Went today for that appointment and saw the head nurse, as my regular nurse left to work at another clinic. Before they give me my injection they take my vitals; temperature, weight, and blood pressure. Prior to quitting drinking I weighed 262.7 lbs and when I weighed myself on my home scale today I was 249.8. Since quitting drinking, nearly 4 months ago, I’m down 12.9 lbs which I feel pretty good about. W h en weighing myself on their scale it was 253.5. I told the nurse my weight is 249.8 on my home scale, she went on to say, “Well the scale here is very accurate, I weigh myself on it and it’s right on”. Ok, no big deal. Then she went to ask me if I had any health issues. I said no, I’m doing great. She replied, “Other than your weight.” I was floored, she was totally fat shaming me this visit! I replied, “I’m really happy where I’m at right now...

Waking up with joy in my heart and a pep in my step I gave you up and have no regrets When with you, I could not see The person I was meant to be You took my heart you took my soul You took the people I so adored I let you go and now I know I’m better off and my heart does soar Soars through the wilderness, over the sea on top of the mountains a beautiful breeze I won’t go back, don’t you see My life has changed I’m finally FREE

Rolling grass fields gently swaying large oak trees in the distance acorns fall and squirrels rejoice kids running and playing laughter fills the air not a worry not a care I’m exactly where I want to be

I’ve dealt with mental illness, specifically schizoaffective disorder, for the last 35 years but for the most part I only talk about it with my husband and daughter. I find it makes other people uncomfortable when I bring it up and I also feel judged unfairly once people know I have a mental illness. I definitely think mental illness needs to be  t alked about, but yesterday I was caught off guard with a question from my daughters orthodontist. He had asked what nationality I was and I told him I just recently found out as I was adopted and recently found my birth mother. He asked me why my mom gave me up for adoption. I hesitated for a minute then replied, “My mom had a mental illness, schizophrenia, and she couldn’t take care of me, she passed mental illness on to me as well.” Saying that made me feel so embarrassed and ashamed and I hate that I had those feelings, I shouldn’t have those feelings. Intellectually I know I had no control on whether or not I got schizoaffective diso...

I have a mental health condition called  schizoaffective disorder . When I am at my worst my thoughts are scattered, I have false beliefs, I think people want to hurt me, and my moods go from extreme happiness to extreme sadness in record time. I become depressed and suicidal. I have been hospitalized at least 20 times and have  g one to jail 3 times as a result of this illness. During a hospitalization that took place in 2006, I was put on a medication called Risperdal Consta, which quite literally saved my life and made it possible for me to have a life worth living. While the injection Risperdal took away quite a few of my symptoms, one symptom has remained and I deal with it frequently, that symptom is  paranoia . The paranoia makes it difficult for me to go out in public, especially where there is a lot of people. I think people are laughing at me, judging me, pointing at me. I will also think people are following me and taunting me. When this happens I become scared...

There is an estimated 45.6 million people in the United States suffering from a mental health condition. Of the 45.6 million who have a mental illness over 2 million a year are jailed rather than treated for their illness. The majority of people who have a mental illness and are serving time in jail have committed misdemeanors or non-violent crimes. Many of these individuals upon entering jail receive little to no treatment for their condition and end up being worse rather than better upon leaving jail and they are often taken advantage of and victimized. Not o n ly are the mentally ill being taken to jail rather than receiving treatment in some instances, they also account for 25% of fatal shootings by law enforcement. On July 5th, 2020 Kevin Ruffin,23,who was known to have a mental health condition, was shot and killed by the police in Sheboygan, Wisconsin, after wielding 2 knives at the officers. While I understand the police had to do something to stop him, I don’t believe shooting...