Living with Paranoia

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I have a mental health condition called schizoaffective disorder. When I am at my worst my thoughts are scattered, I have false beliefs, I think people want to hurt me, and my moods go from extreme happiness to extreme sadness in record time. I become depressed and suicidal.

I have been hospitalized at least 20 times and have gone to jail 3 times as a result of this illness. During a hospitalization that took place in 2006, I was put on a medication called Risperdal Consta, which quite literally saved my life and made it possible for me to have a life worth living.

While the injection Risperdal took away quite a few of my symptoms, one symptom has remained and I deal with it frequently, that symptom is paranoia.

The paranoia makes it difficult for me to go out in public, especially where there is a lot of people. I think people are laughing at me, judging me, pointing at me. I will also think people are following me and taunting me. When this happens I become scared and feel the need to escape the situation, sometimes the fear and anxiety of these thoughts are so strong I will break down crying especially if there is no escape.

Other things that will happen with the paranoia is I will think people are playing games with me. Recently a girl was complimenting my husband on his tattoos, which shouldn’t be a big deal, but I thought she was deliberately flirting with him in order to make me jealous and feel bad about myself. I blew the entire incident out of proportion and became angry at the girl and my husband. I felt self-loathing as a result and wanted to hurt myself.

Another recent occurrence was believing the nurse, at my mental health clinic, who wanted to take a swab of my mouth for DNA testing really wanted to take a swab to check for Covid-19. Also, have believed she’s not giving me my full dosage of medication which is why I have paranoia, and this is not the case.

It is very frightening having paranoia but I am fortunate as I’m usually able to recognize when I am being paranoid, take a deep breath and refocus. I also check things out with my husband and he will be straight with me and tell me if my thoughts are real or a result of the schizoaffective.

If you or a loved one are struggling with mental health issues or want to harm yourself or others please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline they will talk with you and get you the help and support you may need.

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