What's it Like to Have Schizoaffective Disorder?

 If someone were to ask me what it’s like to have schizoaffective disorder it would be difficult to explain as I have nothing to compare it to.

I’ve had schizoaffective since I was 12 years old (I’m 50 now), I don’t really know what it’s like NOT to have schizoaffective.

At one of my darkest points with schizoaffective, I held a loaded gun in my mouth for a good hour arguing internally with a very upset, confused, out of control, depressed, me.

At one of my high points, while in the manic phase of schizoaffective, I roller skated around my high school wearing a cut up British flag muscle shirt and long underwear believing I was Nancy Kerrigan. I was flying high and on top of the world, nothing could stop me or bring me down, except the next depression.

When manic I’ve had my thoughts come so unbelievably fast, I couldn’t get the words out, the words that came out were a jumbled mess and made no sense. It was frightening for me and the person I was talking with.

Sometimes my moods and behaviors would change so rapidly I didn’t know if I was coming or going. Extremely happy one minute than in an angry out of control rage the next, then bawling my eyes out.

It doesn’t just affect my moods though it also affects my sleep. I’ve been up for 3 days straight without being able to sleep no matter how hard I tried and then I’d get incredibly delusional thinking things aren’t real, steeped with distrust and paranoia, and scared.

I eventually got on a medication that helped the schizoaffective tremendously, but I still have my share of struggles. I can be very fearful of going out in public, I hate large crowds, I often think people are following me or out to hurt me. My sleep is still an issue at times but if I don’t sleep one night, I’ll sleep all night the next day. When my medication starts wearing off before my next dose, I become suicidal, this is pretty much a nightly occurrence, but I’ve learned to talk myself through it and tell my husband if my thoughts are too bad.

Having schizoaffective has been incredibly difficult, not just for me but for people I love and who love me. I’ve had a lot of loss as a result of this illness, including 2 biological daughters. I’ve been homeless and taken advantage of, stolen from, exploited, abused all because of this mental illness called schizoaffective disorder.

I suppose I could be bitter and think, “Why me?”, but instead I am grateful for the good parts of my life and that I’m not as bad off as I once was.

I pray if you’re reading this and have a mental health condition you’re able to reach out to a friend, family member, doctor, or emergency room to get the help you need and get yourself on the rode to maintenance of your health. I pray you never give up on yourself and you realize you’re not alone in your pain and suffering, there are people out there just like you who get what you’re going through or have gone through.

Blessings to all of you, always. Adrienne